Showing posts from December, 2014

Petty Gods: Shelter from the Storm, a Tale of the Jale God

Shelter from the Storm: A Tale of the Jale God

The Jale God was out walking in human form when it began to storm; it was a terrible storm, the like of which that part of the world had never seen. The Jale God sought shelter in a nearby temple of a rival minor godling; not knowing the man before them was the Jale God, the priests welcomed him into the sitting room.

Once inside, he removed his cloak, knelt, and began to pray. The priests were so impressed with this display that they soon admitted him into the prayer room. So fervent were his prayers that they soon brought him into their inner sanctum and asked him to share the secret of his devoutness. At this, the Jale God began to profane himself, belching loudly, urinating on the holy altar, and scrawling profanities on the walls and floor with ashes from the holy fire. The priests, aghast at this despicable behavior, demanded he leave at once so they could reclaim their sacred space.

At this, the Jale God revealed himself, saying &qu…

Petty Gods: The Healed Wound, a Tale of the Jale God

The Healed Wound: A Tale of the Jale God

Once, a young girl child suffered a sore upon her right arm. Three healer's skills proved fruitless and the girl's parents began to fear the girl would lose her arm and her bride-price. The wound festered and smelt, but never healed.

One day, a withered priest of the Jale God saw the girl as her parents passed a temple carved into the base of cliff. He waved them into the temple-cave; the parents, being fearful folk, refused the priest's entreaties, at which point the old priest sent two acolytes to seize the girl and bring her to him. He prodded her wound with his finger and when she did not squirm or cry out, he understood the nature of her affliction and declared he could heal the seeping lesion with a "silver touch".

He went into the temple and emerged a short time later with a silver unicorn horn. He rubbed the horn around the wound seven times and sent the girl away with instructions to return to the temple the next …

Petty Gods: The Subtle Art of Propitiation

The Subtle Art of Propitiation by Friar Fifthwhistle, Order of the Open Hand Abbot (ret.), Taverntoss Abbey translated from mildewed parchment by Matthew W. Schmeer*
As we all know, the gods are petty in ways that boggle the mind. Some are distant, others meddle in mortal affairs, and others still view those who walk this earth as a pestilence that must be eradicated. Yet most gods, from the weakest to the greatest, are unknowable except in that they are capricious and quick to anger. And if a mortal should offend a god, woe be unto him!

There is little a mortal can do to appease an angry god. At best, we can offer meager offerings; at worst, we can die for our transgressions. And death may not be enough, as some gods torture souls for eons once they have crossed the boundaries of the material plane. What can one do to remain in or return to a petty god’s good graces?

The answer might surprise you: keep your superstitions! Superstitions are not deviations of religious feeling and the…

Petty Gods: The Dead King's Ransom, A Tale of the Jale God

The Dead King's Ransom: A Tale of the Jale God

In a place long forgotten, a great king was on his deathbed. As the time of the king's death neared, a wizard in the woods saw the Jale God in human form walking the path to the keep where the funeral rites would be proclaimed. "Where are you going?" demanded the wizard of the Jale God's avatar.

"I am going," said the Jale God, "to be present at the old king's death."

"When you pass this way again, stop by and tell me how things went," said the wizard, for he had been banished from the king's holdings and was thirsty for news.

Within three days, the Jale God returned, lamenting and calling out, "Woe, oh woe to the Elder Gods! For I am deceived! I have been duped! All may know my wrath in the days to come!"

"Tell me," the wizard said to the Jale God's human form, "what transpired in the castle? Is the king dead? What is your complaint?"

"Oh, …

Petty Gods: The Jale God Hunts

The Jale God Hunts

Long ago, there lived a landowner in a certain village. Being a rich man, he was often the target of thieves and kidnappers and so to protect his family, he worked ancient magics to turn his wife and children into sheep to keep them safe from his enemies. At dawn each day they shed their human skin and became beasts; at night each one regained its form. A vigilant stable of shepherds took the flock afield each day from sunrise to sunset and watched over them, armed with spears and slings. One stormy day as the shepherds returned to the village, a young lamb lagging behind the flock was attacked by the Jale God in the form of a wolf.

“Youngling, youngling,” said the wolf. “How are you? Are you comfortable with this flock? Do the elder ewes treat you well? Does your mother let you still suck?”

Before the lamb could answer, the wolf continued, “And do you think, Kaniv, son of Mavlin, whom I have called by true name, that you will escape? You have been pinching my tail …

Petty Gods: A Visit from the Jale God

A Visit from the Jale God

In a paltry hut lived a man and his wife. Every day he would work hard in the fields to earn their daily ration and every night she would soothe him to sleep with sweet songs. After many years of marriage, one night the man told his wife that he would like to go out that night and hunt the jubjub bird, for the jubjub is a dangerous animal that can only be killed at night but makes for a delicious stew.

“Yes, my love!” said the woman. “Get meat for the morrow so that we can have a good meal!”

The man left that same night to hunt and left his wife alone in the hut.

That night, while her husband was away, the Jale God came, wearing the skin of the husband. “Wife,” he said, “I was afraid in the dark night because of the jubjub’s shrill cries and so I came home.” He built a fire in the hearth and sat by it, motioning the woman to come sit next to him.

But the wife did not believe her husband had returned, for she knew he was a fierce hunter who had killed the jubj…

Petty Gods: 2 Tales of the Jale God

2 Tales of the Jale God

Lamchka, a priest in the temple of the Jale God, preferred to sleep instead of pray. The other priests took pity on him; when they went to ritual, they left him sleeping in the entrance to the temple.

One day as he was sleeping, a nobleman came to the temple to offer sacrifice to the Jale God. He saw Lamchka sleeping in the doorway, and being a superstitious man, did not desire to wake the priest, as all know that gods commune with their priests in dream. The nobleman placed his sacrifice, a large sack of rye, at Lamchka’s head and then departed.

Lamchka awoke a short time after, smacking his lips and wiping the sleep from his eyes. He saw the sack at his feet and exclaimed “Ho, the Jale God is bountiful! I dreamed of bread and strong drink, and here the Jale God provides me grain for both!” Lamchka carried the sack into the temple and thought to himself “Surely the Jale God meant this rye for me! The others will steal it so I must make haste to preserve it w…

Petty Gods: 8 Translated Chants to the Jale God

8 Translated Chants to the Jale God

Desolation, love, death:
Rough, dead gulls above a storm.

Remember the old ways!
Do not wander a garden path;
All flowers are faceless, dusty doors.

Evil and flying in the sea,
Humming witches within the mist
battle angry ghouls about the shadows.
Alas, alack! The devil continues,
Angry beyond the dreamscape.
The day is green among the bullshit;
Be watchful. A broken promise
Remembers old times.

Black monsoon drums;
the herd, the bones!

She hears each his lies
His false shadow, painted skin

Slender beams of light enter
This darkened chamber,
Always lost, always lost,
Always frozen here,

Forms wrought in panes of glass loom
As dust dances in air,
Searing a secret skin.

A rock gnome's face
Rails against
An impassive truth.

We each cut feasts
Even through absence;
Beauty is but a lie:
Black impairs him not.

The erosion of everything alabaster:
Clutter of green leaves,
Cirrus of nebulae,
Jets of gas aflam…

Petty Gods: The Putrefaction of the Jale God

The Putrefaction of the Jale God

Among the rude folk of the mountainous regions, the festival of the Putrefaction of the Jale God is the primary celebration of the summer months. In some villages, the festival takes place near the summer solstice, in others on the last new moon of the season, and in others still on the first full moon.

On the eve of the festival, a stout young rowan tree is cut down, adorned with trinkets and garlands, and set into the earth.

On the first morning of the festival, childless women place a garment under the tree or on its branches and eat of the tree's fruit; on the second morning, if they find blood on their garments they know they will remain childless for another year.

The sick, aged, and dying go to the tree in the morning on the second day, place their hands on the tree and circle around it four times while singing "You will soon die but we will live" and then eat of the leaves. If they are still alive on the third morning, they know t…

Petty Gods: d30 Table of Cacophonies Composed by the Jale God's Pipe

d30 Table of Cacophonies Composed by the Jale God's Pipe

All the StaircasesAt the Cliffs of SolitudeBane of the BoonBurn the GoatBusty SamanthaColorful NothingnessCult of the Carnival GraveDirty MotherDread Without CeaseEmbrace the Agile AzimuthGuiltmongerHere Once Pale Hastur SleptIndustrious PariahJewels of the Crimson MotherLove Song of the Yellow KingMalevolence of PowerMartyr of ImpurityNegative TendonsObstreperous PariahOn the Streets of Fair YhtillPassion for the AutumnalPassive Cadavers in My DreamsPersevering ExcrementReality MolesterRiding the Alchemy HorseSea of Brutal BleaknessSuicide CampaignThe Echoing HagThe Spurning KnifeWho Wears the Pallid Mask

Petty Gods: d30 Table of Jale God Feast Days

Petty Gods: d30 Table of Jale God Feast Days
The Aphoristic DefilementThe Arcane Obscenity of Ryal'aThe Blasphemy of MaliceThe Breaking of the PrincessThe Campaign of Bloody DaggersThe Carnal RenditionThe Crimson AnathemaThe Cruel ViolationThe Dagger Wars RemembranceThe Dark Moon FestivalThe Day of Gimlinch's DefilementThe Day of PutrefactionThe Dedication of the HeavensThe Demonic RuinThe Dismal NightThe Dusk of Unspooling BladesThe Fall of the Kindred WyrmThe Feast of VeilsThe Festival of AllegianceThe Great UnyawningThe Gruesome DesecrationThe Hoisting of the GibletsThe Invocation of YegishThe Nightfall of WelcomingThe Obscenity of WoundsThe Siege of Blackswamp StrongholdThe Sunless MaledictionThe Tournament of CursesThe Treacherous ObscenityThe Woeful Ritual of Clapatrus

Petty Gods: The Jale God's Dream

The Jale God's Dream

And so the Jale God slept, and in his sleeping he dreamt of an angry prophet standing before him. The small, dirty man stared at him in silence for an eternity, and then he said, "Wretched God! You do not know you will be lost to time. Your followers will fall away, your temples will run to ruin, your dominion will shrink to nothingness! And in your weakening you will wither to a pale shade, an empty husk. Flee, flee, if you must but know that in ages to come you will be not!" The prophet stood before him, shaking in rage, his staff raised as if to strike, and then the Jale God awoke.

The Jale God was filled with a dread he had never known before. He rose from his sleeping place and roamed the ways of the earth, searching for this prophet until at last he was weary again and sank to the ground, and found relief from his troubles in deep sleep.

And again the Jale God dreamed of the man standing before him, his fist raised in defiance. "Woe be to …

Petty Gods: 3 Tales of the Jale God

Three Tales of the Jale God

The Jale God sat on his chklor throne, watching the universe inch by.

"Tell me," he said to his doddering scrivener, "why do mortals remember and regret?"

The doddering scrivener consulted his record book. He turned several pages, scanning the lines therein with his arthritic finger. He finally looked up at the Jale God and shrugged.

"Exactly!" the Jale God laughed, "So true!"

When the days of putrefaction were ended according to the unbreakable laws of the Elder Way, the Jale God appeared at the court of the Cerisian Empire, taking the form of a minor noble of small renown. He swiftly seduced the queen and her daughters, positioned himself as an advisor to the king, and disrupted the flow of trade to fill his coffers. Then he set about building a temple to further the worship of his name.

When it came time to anoint the first priest of the new temple, the Jale God called two close advisors before him. Now, one of…

Petty Gods: Doddering Scrivener, minion of the Petty Gods

Richard emailed me this request:

Doddering Scrivener
minions of the petty gods

No. Encountered: 1 (1d10)
Alignment: Neutral
Movement: 90' (30')
Armor Class: 10
Hit Dice: 1d6+2
Attacks: 0
Damage: None
Save: M2
Morale: 4
Hoard Class: XVII
XP: 25

Outfitted in bright orange hooded cowls and scapulas, Doddering Scriveners are a race of gnome-like creatures with over-sized ears whose sole purpose is to record the decrees of the petty gods for posterity and serve as notary witnesses to all divine petty contracts. Whenever a petty god deigns to enter a contract, grant a boon, or send a foolhardy adventurer on an arduous quest, a Doddering Scrivener mysteriously appears to record the particulars and collect signatures.

Although not much is known about their biology beyond their appearance and ability to teleport at will, their society is extremely hierarchical, divided into 20 classes, each divided into 20 divisions, and each division divided into 20 sections. Each section is further div…

8 Evocations of the Jale God

8 Evocations of the Jale God

You are the blind corridor, the caution's terror
a future verged contracted beyond pain.
Double endless behind design, a brilliant
child rafting, stumbling between a gift and work;
take these chains and tribute shall rush
Justify me, vanishing within the whale of this day
and convulse me with your delight whose fabric
unweaves the world.

Sing, and I jump by a rose. Have you produced
passenger-speaking darkness? Between Hell
and the discovery of dialect, betrayal is the handle
whose cash seemed to close; the leaves who paused
cannot stretch inside the cask.
Against this country the great son is like a father;
if we auction this, the groundhog is the maximum
below an orbit across a meal's continent who
needs to remove pupils.

The blanket saved someone.
Your unconquerable passage can't convey this.

Voluntary chaos whose day should arise must increase along viewing. The village whose surprise worried the dying cow. A consciousness and altitu…

Non-Divine Divine Item: Curse Tablet

(Note: I have re-labeled and re-titled this post because it was brought to my attention that this should be classified as a divine item, not a magic item. I blame brain farts.)

Ok, so I was getting lost in Wikipedia and I came across this entry on Curse Tablets, which lead to this entry on the Bath curse tablets which sparked a memory from the early 1990s.

Back in the 2e days, TSR put out a Roman-themed splat book, "TSR 9425 - HR5 - The Glory of Rome Campaign", which included the below quoted spell. As far as I know, this is the only reference to Curse Tablets in "official" D&D materials outside of a clarification in the Sage Advice column in Dragon:

Curse Tablet (Necromantic)
Level 3
Range: 5 yards/level
Components: V, S, M
Duration:2 days/level Casting Time: 1 turn
Area of Effect: 1 creature
Saving Throw: Negates

This is the most common spell used by evil Roman magicians to kill via magic. The caster writes the name of his victim on a lead tablet, drives a na…

Petty Gods: Tanumaru, servitor of evil Petty Gods

Tanumaru (Tanoo-ma-roo)
servitors of evil petty gods

No. Encountered: 1 (1d4)
Alignment: Lawful
Movement: 240' (120')
Armor Class: 0
Hit Dice: 7
Attacks: 1 (sword or longbow)
Damage: 1d8/1d8
Save: F13
Morale: 4
Hoard Class: XIV
XP: 1,260

Upon a Tanumaru's birth, the petty gods assign it a mortal foil, an individual whom they are to plague and problem throughout that mortal's existence at the behest of the petty gods. They will attempt to carry out a petty god's instructions to the letter rather than in spirit. Because they can cast invisibility at will, these attempts are often undetectable.

Unfortunately, a Tanumaru's bumbling attempts at interfering and causing ill often go awry. Any mortal targeted by a Tanumaru's attempts at interference must make a Save vs. Spells, with a +5 modifier. If the save is successful, the target gains a temporary +3 to all rolls & checks for 1 day. If unsuccessful, they must take a temporary –3 to all rolls & checks fo…

Petty Gods: Inflammable Servants, minions of the Petty Gods

Richard emailed me the challenge:

Inflammable Servants
minions of the Petty Gods

No. Encountered: 1 (1)
Alignment: Lawful
Movement: 240' (120')
Armor Class: 3
Hit Dice: 12
Attacks: 1
Damage: As weapon OR Special
Save: F14
Morale: 8
Hoard Class: None
XP: 1,200

Inflammable servants are quasi-intelligent minions from the elemental plane of fire that rarely roam beyond their own plane unless summoned by a petty god to do their bidding. They are often used by the gods to deliver death threats to one another.

They can perform only one major task at a time and will attempt to complete that task at all costs. Inflammable servants that fail or are thwarted in their missions immediately die in a fiery explosion equal to 3 fireball spells.

On the plane of fire, Inflammable Servants rarely take visible form, but on the material plane, they appear as avenging angels with feet of flame and eagle-like wings. Their fierce countenance belies their nature, as they rarely attack unprovoked and wil…

Petty Gods: Ghostly Lecher, minions of the Petty Gods of Death

Hit me baby one more time:

Ghostly Lecher
minions of the Petty Gods of Death

No. Encountered: 1d4
Alignment: Chaotic
Movement: 90' (30')
Armor Class: 6
Hit Dice: 2 +2
Attacks: 1 + Special
Damage: 1d6 + Special
Save: F8
Morale: 10
Hoard Class: None
XP: 150

The ghosts of ancient mortals who were enamored with death when they were alive, Ghostly Lechers serve the gods of death merely as rubbernecking hangers-on, Wherever a gristly death has occurred, a Ghostly Lecher is sure to be found, feeding on the deathwave vibrations that emanate from the corpse.

As their name suggests, they especially prey on the gristly deaths of the young and innocent; they tend to congregate on the outskirts of gallows, ritual sites, sacrificial dolmens, and army barracks.

Although they seem to resemble Ghosts or Shadows since they have no corporeal body and seem to flicker, they are not undead creatures and thus cannot be turned. Ghostly Lechers can only be struck by magical or silver weapons. They are …

Petty Gods: Ggiyy, Eidolon Knight of Hate

It's that time again:

Ggiyy, Eidolon Knight of Hate
Knight in service to the Jale God

No. Encountered: 1 (unique)
Alignment: Lawful
Movement: 120' (40')
Armor Class: 2
Hit Dice: 6 +5
Attacks: 1 (sword, bite, or strangle)
Damage: d8 (d8/d6/d6)
Save: F8
Morale: 10
Hoard Class: None
XP: 1,280

It is little known that the Jale God employs twelve knights to protect the 12 Eidolons scattered across the world and ensure their separation. Ggiyy, the Eidolon Knight of Hate, may be one of the only knights whose identity is fully known, as he is a frequent visitor to magical academies and royal courts throughout the realms. Although he often appears in human guise through the use of a polymorph self spell, Ggiyy is in truth a snake-like reptilian.

A wrathful and boastful warrior, Ggiyy has lost the location of the Eidolon of Hate and has been on a centuries-long quest to reclaim the stone. Many tribes know of his feats and the desert kingdoms curse his name for the havoc he has wrought …

Petty Gods: Guardians of Laam, servitors of Pherosathoola, Petty Goddess of Sexual Fear

LeBlanc + Sholits + Schmeer =

Guardians of Laam
servitors of Pherosathoola, Petty Goddess of Sexual Fear

No. Encountered: 1d4
Alignment: Neutral
Movement: 120' (40')
Armor Class: 0
Hit Dice: 8
Attacks: 3 (scimitar/claw/tail) + Special
Damage: d8/d6/d6 + Special
Save: F8
Morale: 10
Hoard Class: None
XP: 300

Descended from ruined seed of Mi-go that fused with an unnamed reptilian race in eons past, Guardians of Laam protect the incubating eggs of Pherosathoola, the Petty Goddess of Sexual Fear. "Laam" is the term for embryonic succubi; these creatures do not have a name for themselves and so are often referred to simply as "Guardians".

The Guardians of Laam stand 8 feet tall and resemble fierce, armored lizards at first glance, except for their odd-shaped skulls and lidless eyes. Their mouths are lamprey-like and both males and females sport antlers and tusks, although these are largely though to be decorative. Chitinous skin protects their fungi-like inner so…

Petty Gods: Visible Stalkers, Decoy of the Petty Gods

Yet one more for Mr. LeBlanc:

Visible Stalkers
decoy of the petty gods

No. Encountered: 1/1d4
Alignment: Neutral
Movement: 120' (40')
Armor Class: 3
Hit Dice: 8
Attacks: 1 + Special
Damage: 4d4+2 + Special
Save: F8
Morale: 5
Hoard Class: None
XP: 500

Roughly the size of a normal swan and looking somewhat like a child's awkward attempt to create an oversized decoy of an orange-billed flaxen waxfeather, the Visible Stalker is the bane of magic-users the world over.

Visible Stalkers were created by a committee of the petty gods of whimsy, who sought to create a creature to stymie magic-users summoning petty gods or their servitors. There is a 35% chance that any effort to summon and entrap a petty god or their servitors in a magic circle instead results in the appearance of a Visible Stalker. There is a 10% chance they can also manifest as a result of a miscast invisible stalker spell.

When summoned, a Visible Stalker will refuse to serve a magic-user's request. They have c…

Ghoti: An Interactive Exercise

I made this a year or so ago as a rudimentary example for my students in a Digital Narratives class. I don't think I ever shared it here. So, here you go:


Petty Gods: Grampajack, Grand High Jester of the Court of the Petty Gods

Richard LeBlanc posted another speed round challenge:

Grand High Jester of the Court of the Petty Gods

No. Encountered: 1 (unique)
Alignment: Lawful
Movement: 120' (40')
Armor Class: -1
Hit Dice: 8 + 5
Attacks: 1 + Special
Damage: 1d8 + Special
Save: F15
Morale: 10
Hoard Class: X
XP: 1,500

Although he appears to be nothing more than an old man's head trailing his entrails behind him, Grampajack is a favored servitor of the entire petty god pantheon.

He was once a mortal named Gyffry Chadinfroyd, first mate on the interplanar pirate ship Queenscow. Known for his quick wit and sharp tongue, he died during the Flame Wars of Jubrini, an unfortunate victim of friendly fire. As he passed from the material plane, the Jale God snagged his soul and housed it in a discarded penanggalan skin, granted him limited immortality, and made him a jester at the court of the petty gods. He has worked his way up to the position Grand High Jester (mostly due to the deaths of his predec…

Underworld Lore: d20 Table of Quests Required of the Wakers of the Jale God

Underworld Lore: d20 Table of Quests Required of the Wakers of the Jale God

1. Pursue a painting that alludes to a breezeblock bear's body in a market faire.

2. Construct an apron ideal for departing an imaginary demon.

3. Tie a fine-wrought, spring green-colored steel bar to a drunken burly wood gopher.

4. Repeatedly sketch noses and ragbags, about as long as an average calf, until the day after a new king's crowing, in a 75 centimeter by 100 centimeter wall space.

5. Create a drawing focused on a rectangle on the underside of a tavern table.

6. Collect seven lymphatic systems. Put them on a silver tray that has been painted blue-violet, snow, and dark gray. Get nine drawings of glands. Place them on a copper tray that has been painted dark gray, slate gray, and blue-violet. Feed the offerings to three blessed goats on a high holy day. Slaughter the goats and eat their livers.

7. Pay a doxy to instruct nine day dreamers to copy horns and thumbs, of any length, until someone m…

Underworld Lore: Eight Colors Beyond Human Ken

Eight Colors Beyond Human Ken

1. viledusk
A loneliness, a longing, a leeching. It absorbs what it obscures, refracts what is revealed.

2. grüt
A decayed cloying, a thinning, a liquid lucidity. It provides a pale plasticity that revolts as it delights.

3. infraine
A giving, a bliss, a breaking away, as a body drifting across a peppered sea. An indifference that strangles without suffocation arises in its wake.

4. schklor
Thick, briny, a parchment of blighted film. It presents a presumption of expectation behind a façade of shimmering heat.

5. chklor
A reeling-ripe deformity, a smoking alienation, a celestial agitation. Whatever is unborn will manifest whenever it arrives.

6. klor
A callous exhibitionism, a sweating crow, an amorphous silence unbound. A commitment to insipid calm follows its leaving.

7. lor
A complete weary, a symbolic cherriness, the tang of an storm assured. A frenzy of omnipresent breakfasts ensues in its arrival.

8. k'pha'l
Birches gather in abnormal pronouncements…

Petty Gods: Ynnym, favored guardians of the treasure gods

Do you think Richard is getting sick of me yet?

favored guardians of the treasure gods

No. Encountered: 1d4
Alignment: Neutral
Movement: 200' (80')
Armor Class: 4
Hit Dice: 9
Attacks: 1 (kick, claw, bite + special) OR Special (see below)
Damage: 1d8 + Special
Save: F9
Morale: 11
Hoard Class: XVII
XP: 1,900

Ynnym are oversized bastard chimeras, having the head of a cycloptic sea dragon, the front portion and tail of a lion, and the rear portion of a donkey. Their bodies are roughly the size of elephants, and the sea dragon's serpentine neck is comparable in size and girth to that of a young giant python.

Ynnym are bred by the gods to be swift of foot and fierce in battle. Although they only have one eye, this eye allows them to see all colors of the spectrum (including infrared, ultraviolet, jale, ulfire, dolm, mull, viledusk, and grüt). There is a 30% chance that it also acts as an eye of true seeing, allowing them to see all things as they actually are, and making the…

'sup, Bookface?


Petty Gods: Divine Louse Crabs, servitors of the gods & goddesses of sexuality

Yet again, I rise to the challenge of Mr. LeBlanc:

Divine Louse Crabs (DLC)
servitors of the gods & goddesses of sexuality

No. Encountered: 100d20+
Alignment: Neutral
Movement: 20' (6')
Armor Class: 8
Hit Dice: 2 hit points
Attacks: Special
Damage: Special
Save: F1
Morale: 12
Hoard Class: None
XP: 250 (for entire infestation)

The four-legged, hand-footed, spear-toting Divine Louse Crabs exclusively serve the gods & goddesses of sexuality, plaguing anyone who displeases them in a multitude of ways. Their hand-feet allow them to move through body hair with rapid ease and they exist primarily to feed and cause intense discomfort.

Divine Louse Crabs range in size from 1.5 to 3 mm long when plaguing mortals and 6–10 cm long when plaguing gods and immortals; there is a 75% chance that PCs encountering divine or semi-divine beings suffering from a case of the DLCs will notice the infestation and must make a Save vs. Disease to avoid becoming repulsed and fleeing in terror.


Petty Gods: Bat-faced Strokechuckers, minions of Thwizeviblyz, Petty God of Baby Laughter

Another for Richard LeBlanc's minion challenge:

Bat-faced Strokechuckers
minions of Thwizeviblyz, Petty God of Baby Laughter, an aspect of the Jale God

No. Encountered: 1d12
Alignment: Lawful
Movement: 120' (40')
Armor Class: 6
Hit Dice: 4
Attacks: 2 (claw/claw) + Special
Damage: 1d2/1d2
Save: F5
Morale: 3
Hoard Class: None
XP: 210

Despite their bald-headed & bearded fearsome appearance, Bat-faced Strokechuckers are expert ticklers; they can sneak up to any child under the age of 3 and make them giggle with nothing but a soft touch across the chin, brow, or crook of knee or arm. They exist to serve Thwizeviblyz by eliciting peals of child laughter at unexpected moments, and are experts at this task.

Standing 4 to 6 inches in height, Strokechuckers appear squat and muscular, but this is an adaptive illusion. Like the common house mouse, Strokechuckers can squeeze themselves into the smallest of openings and, thanks to their tough claws, can climb vertical surfaces (up to …

Petty Gods: Sybevmry & Creqvg'n, minions of Cowie, companion to Curdle the Petty Goddess of Blind Milk Maids

Richard threw down the gauntlet again, this time with a sweet drawing by Reidar Kjelsen:

Sybevmry & Creqvg'n
minions of Cowie, companion to Curdle the Petty Goddess of Blind Milk Maids

No. Encountered: 2 (always as a pair)
Alignment: Chaotic
Movement: 60'(20')
Armor Class: 4
Hit Dice: 4 + 4
Attacks: 3 (claw/claw/bite) + Special
Damage: 2d6/2d6/2d6 + Special
Save: F7
Morale: 7
Hoard Class: None
XP: 910

Sybevmry & Creqvg'n are quasi-demonic tail lice who inhabit the tangled, burr-filled tail of Cowie, the emaciated calf companion of Curdle, the Petty Goddess of Blind Milk Maids.

Normally the smallest of all known demonic beings, Sybevmry & Creqvg'n spend their time hitching free rides and generally having a life of ease amongst the strands and follicles of Cowie's unkempt hide. However, during the Dark Moon Festival (held every fourteen years in honor of Ywehbobbobhewy, Lord of Waters, King of Mirrors, Patriarch of the Most Profound) they are granted a…

Petty Gods: The Seven Twee Philosophers, Minions of Uroborialis, Petty Goddess of Instinctual Wisdom

Richard LeBlanc threw down the challenge.

The Seven Twee Philosophers
minions of Uroborialis, Petty Goddess of Instinctual Wisdom

No. Encountered: 7 (all 7 always encountered as a group)
Alignment: Neutral
Movement: 60' (20')
Armor Class: 6
Hit Dice: 6
Attacks: 2
Damage: 1d4 (cane) + Special (bite; see below)
Save: C10
Morale: 11
Hoard Class: None
XP: 1, 500 (for group)

The Seven Twee Philosophers are wingless, divine homunculi created by Uroborialis, the Petty Goddess of Instinctual Wisdom, to debate the meaning of existence and the means of survival. They keep up an endless debate amongst themselves, leaning on their plain wooden canes and arguing, counter-arguing, contradicting, and refuting each others' positions on any and all topics up for discussion. They often get so carried away with their arguments that they literally fight amongst themselves, beating each other with any available object and generally causing a riot.

Anyone passively listening to their debate for m…

Death Whistles

via Oddity Central

Rarity: Extremely Rare
XP Value/Market price: 250,000 gp

Extremely rare ancient artifacts crafted from the diminutive skulls of a long-dead alien race, Death Whistles have the uncanny ability to channel the tortured screams of all undead within a 100 mile radius.

If a Death Whistle is sounded any non-vampire undead within a 10 mile radius will be attracted to the sound and will attack those in possession or within 50 feet of a Death Whistle and attempt to destroy the device. Once the device is destroyed, they will immediately cease attacking.

Undead beckoned by a Death Whistle can not be turned.

There is a 1% chance that one of the undead recognizes its voice emanating from the Death Whistle and will instead befriend the holder of the Death Whistle and act as a 0-level henchman.

Any sentient being which hears a Death Whistle must make a Save vs. Paralysis or be paralyzed for 1d6 rounds.

For aeons, necromancers have been baffled by the magical propert…

After the Dwimmermount Debacle . . .

. . . is the OSR community ready to give more money to a James Maliszewski project? Maybe. Check out JaMal's new zine for Tékumel, The Excellent Travelling Volume. $10 gets you a 28-page zine; the price includes shipping, but of course you pay more to get your zine on if you live outside of North America.

Note: Hey YDIS crew, this isn't an endorsement; just a note that the zine exists. As the self-appointed zine list keeper, I try to keep tabs on what's new and what's gone.