Tuesday, May 13, 2014

d30 Table of Self-Referential Items

01. Orbital Orb of Orbing: allows user to locate any other magical orbs within a 360 league radius.

02. Ultimate Sword of Swording: +3 to all to-hit rolls (not damage rolls).

03. Horrible Hammer of Hammering: +3 to all to-hit rolls, but -4 damage. May only be used by dwarves.

04. Darren's Drum of Drumming: when struck, makes no noise, but all doors within thirteen feet are shaken off their hinges and all canids within 1 mile start howling in pain.

05. Shining Shield of Shielding: +2 to AC when used outside on a sunny, cloudless day.

06. Unpolished Spoon of Spooning: +2 to CHA for all flirt rolls.

07. Astounding Axe of Axing: +4 to all to-hit rolls against Ents.

08. Lonesome Ring of Ringing: -8 to CHA, but +5 to all stealth rolls plus wearer constantly hears an annoying high-pitched whining sound no one else can hear.

09. Honorable Helm of Helming: +3 to all negotiation checks.

10. Terrible Torc of Torquing: -3 to all open door checks.

11. Petir's Pot of Potting: provides a bottomless source of slightly rancid potted manticore meat (high in iron & protein!).

12. Splintery Spear of Spearing: +2 to all to-hit rolls (ranged & melee), but -2 HP damage to ungloved hands. Unknown to the user, the spear shaft will disintegrate after 15 combat uses.

13. Silent Sling of Slinging: does not whistle when twirled at high velocity and stones do not make impact sounds.

14. Sycophant's Scroll of Scrolling: an unending 4.5-inch long roll of thin parchment-like paper covered in strange embossed symbols that instantly dissolves into a white pulpy mass when immersed in water.

15. Blazing Bracers of Bracing: allows wearer to cast Fireball (as spell) up to three times per day

16. Wondrous Wand of Wanding: holds 5 charges of "Invisible Light"

17. Quarrelsome Quill of Quilling: anything written using this quill comes out argumentative and filled with expletives.

18. Randell's Rope of Roping: 15-inch long length of twine can tie itself into any knot named by its owner, and will not untie until the words "all rend" are spoken in Elvish.

19. Curious Cup of Cupping: this cup contains an internal divider which separates the cup into four sections, each of which can contain up to 1/4 cup of liquid. Each section can be imbibed separately without spilling or mixing with the other.

20. Horny Horn of Horning: if mounted on a Honorable Helm of Helming, provides +3 to all goring head-butt attacks.

21. Craggy Crystal of Crystallization: a ragged chunk of quartz that, when placed in a sack with other items, encases those items in a 1-inch thick sheen of quartz. A dead imp is crystallized in the center of the Craggy Crystal itself.

22. Ticklish Torch of Torching: burns 3 times longer and 4 times brighter than a normal torch, but the wielder's hand holding the torch keeps falling asleep.

23. Horrific Harp of Harping: allows Bards to sing love songs in the Infernal tongue.

24. Shitty Shovel of Shoveling: those with a stable boy background may wield as a +2 weapon (deals 1d6+2 damage), but all others suffer terrible bowel problems if used for anything other than digging latrines.

25. Slocum's Spade of Spading: +3 against garden gnomes.

26. Potion of Potion Pouring: allows up to 3 potions (not including itself) to be blended with no adverse side effects.

27. Badasstic Boots of Booting: grants ability to cover up to 1/12th mile in a single stride, but wearer is constantly accompanied by small band of elementary school musicians playing an off-key version of the "Theme from Shaft".

28. Woe-some Whip of Whipping: +2 whip, but wielder suffers terrible guilt and 1d4-hour long crying jags after use.

29. Bedazzling Bag of Bagging: when any item is placed in this sparkle-encrusted sack, it is immediately covered in a tasteful pattern of sparkling fake gems.

30. Cadfael's Cauldron of Cauls: any caul membrane placed into the cauldron becomes an inert androgynous homunculus. If bathed in and then nourished on human blood and kept in the heat of a live ewe's womb for seven weeks, the homunculus will develop into an imp bound to the control of the one who made it, but must feed on their blood every waning crescent moon to remain under their control.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

1d30 Slightly Useless Spell Scrolls

1d30 Slightly Useless Spell Scrolls Found in the Archives of Wälläkatüntün

01. Break Wind: cures flatulence in 10ft radius.

02. Kitten Cuddle: summons 1d30 cute, cuddly kittens.

03. Wash Wizard: thoroughly cleans and deodorizes 1 wizard.

04. Undo Toe Stub: self-explanatory.

05. Wang Dang Doodle: allows caster to dance all night long without tiring.

06. Flim Flam: grants ability to convincingly lie with 100% undetectability, but only to people named "Flam".

07. Hoboken Chicken: summons 1 266-pound friendly chicken.

08. Capture Flag: captures 1 random flag.

09. Uncrease Cloth: removes creases from 1sq ft of non-magical cloth.

10. Cure Hiccups: self-explanatory.

11. Uncook Beans: self-explanatory.

12. Nit Pick: removes head lice from 1d4 humanoids in 10ft radius.

13. Hen Peck: allows caster to berate 1d4 humanoids in 10ft radius.

14. Double Bag of Holding: places all Bags of Holding within another non-magical bag.

15. Scramble Eggs: randomly reorganizes 1d20 eggs in a nest.

16. Summon Waiter: self-explanatory. Only works at three-star or better inns and taverns.

17. Clerical Error: forces 1d4 clerics within 10ft radius to mispronounce a word in their evening prayers.

18. Foshizzle: makes any caster with a lisp spit non-incendiary sparks when he speaks.

19. Hamper: conjures up a wicker clothes hamper that can hold 2 bushels worth of dirty clothes.

20. Revise: places any item taken out of a vise back into a vise.

21. Bladderize: makes 1d4 humanoids within a 10ft radius really, really, really need to pee.

22. Spell Check: engraves the word "CHECK" on any flat surface.

23. Hoppity Doodle: summons 1d30 rot-worm infested rabbits.

24. Nerf Herd: summons 1d30 herd of non-projectile bearing nerfs.

25. WTF: creates a 10ft radius logic-free zone emanating from caster.

26. Clear Conscience: grants caster a good feeling about himself for 1d4 hours.

27. Whoaboy: stops pack animals from moving for 1d6 minutes.

28. Flibbertigidget: summons 1 boy-crazy teenage girl surfer who immediately bursts into tears and runs away.

30. Screweit: magically impregnates up to 1d4 male sheep.