Monday, December 8, 2014

Underworld Lore: d20 Table of Quests Required of the Wakers of the Jale God

Underworld Lore: d20 Table of Quests Required of the Wakers of the Jale God

1. Pursue a painting that alludes to a breezeblock bear's body in a market faire.

2. Construct an apron ideal for departing an imaginary demon.

3. Tie a fine-wrought, spring green-colored steel bar to a drunken burly wood gopher.

4. Repeatedly sketch noses and ragbags, about as long as an average calf, until the day after a new king's crowing, in a 75 centimeter by 100 centimeter wall space.

5. Create a drawing focused on a rectangle on the underside of a tavern table.

6. Collect seven lymphatic systems. Put them on a silver tray that has been painted blue-violet, snow, and dark gray. Get nine drawings of glands. Place them on a copper tray that has been painted dark gray, slate gray, and blue-violet. Feed the offerings to three blessed goats on a high holy day. Slaughter the goats and eat their livers.

7. Pay a doxy to instruct nine day dreamers to copy horns and thumbs, of any length, until someone marries the doxy and destroys the copies.

8. Write the words 'a blob of pine in a clear resin block' on a skunk sleeping in a field of butterflies shaped like a swallow.

9. Collect nine different kinds of pancreas; make a painting of a big trout feeding your children the liver of a spotted calf. Swallow a frost giant's kidney stone on a moonless night.

10. Construct and burn an effigy of a life of quiet desperation.

11. Consume a tiny green pepper, a rancid noodle dish, and one pancake.

12. Develop congenital gallstones by getting your hair cut.

13. Rub walnuts on a rabid owlbear's scent gland.

14. Give a lecture on the role of atheism in hagiography for an hour every day. Ask the audience to join you in the bathtub. Suggested title of lecture: "The Vultures of Heretical Creep".

15. Draw a cartoon of an opossum wearing a green pair of pants borrowed from a rabbit. A gray giraffe should lust in the distance under a wheat beam sky.

16. Rent out a museum. Pay a warder to repine in a garbage bag full of whipped cream as long as anyone is in the gallery until someone buys the installation.

17. Cover a wall with live swans. Pierce them with wire and pukeforks to create the shape of a wolf. Keep your ears unclogged.

18. Build a telescope from lantern oil and pretzels. Using thistle ink, tattoo a sketch of the horizon on a beggar's scalp.

19. Oil a lotus knife with violet milk.

20. Slaughter a coop of midnight hens with a baguette of candlewax and glass.