Yet again, I rise to the challenge of Mr. LeBlanc:
Divine Louse Crabs (DLC)
servitors of the gods & goddesses of sexuality
No. Encountered: 100d20+
Movement: 20' (6')
Armor Class: 8
Hit Dice: 2 hit points
Hoard Class: None
XP: 250 (for entire infestation)
The four-legged, hand-footed, spear-toting Divine Louse Crabs exclusively serve the gods & goddesses of sexuality, plaguing anyone who displeases them in a multitude of ways. Their hand-feet allow them to move through body hair with rapid ease and they exist primarily to feed and cause intense discomfort.
Divine Louse Crabs range in size from 1.5 to 3 mm long when plaguing mortals and 6–10 cm long when plaguing gods and immortals; there is a 75% chance that PCs encountering divine or semi-divine beings suffering from a case of the DLCs will notice the infestation and must make a Save vs. Disease to avoid becoming repulsed and fleeing in terror.
Divine Louse Crabs are themselves asexual; DLCs can lay up to 300 eggs a day on the coarse hairs of armpits and genital regions; they can also be found in other areas of the body covered in hair or fur, but generally do not infest the crown of the scalp. The eggs take 6 hours to hatch and a fully-formed adult DLC emerges from the egg and can begin reproducing within 1 day. Adults live up to 2 months and feed 7-8 times a day.
After hatching, DLCs craft spears from shafts of hair and extrude a stony, epoxy-like substance from their rectums which they craft into close approximations of spearheads. They then war with each other for domination of a host's body hair. There are multiple factions of DLC known to exist, serving gods of sundry sexual orientations.
When plaguing mortals, their bites cause severe itching — primarily of the crotch and armpits — due to the acidity of their saliva; an untreated case of DLC infestation will result in restless sleep (no spell recovery) and sap 2 hp the first day and will then double every day until death or until the infestation is treated. Gods infested with DLC will merely distractedly scratch an awful lot.
To temporarily cure a case of DLC, PCs must smear themselves in a foul concoction of goat fat, owlbear dung, and seagull vomit applied to the affected areas and sealed with candle wax; only the most highly skilled alchemists know the exact recipe for this concoction. This salve forces Divine Louse Crabs into a state of hibernation for up to one week. After three applications, the treatment is no longer effective.
To completely cure a case of Divine Louse Crabs, PCs must somehow manage to get back into the good graces of whichever divine being manifested the plague upon them. A Cure Disease spell cast by a 20th level or higher cleric of neutral alignment will also do the trick.