Underworld Lore Classifieds by My Students, Part 2

Part 1 can be found here.

I teach a creative writing course and a digital narratives course at a community college. On my birthday, I tossed the regularly scheduled programming and had my students write classifieds and dungeon slang. Here is the second in a series of posts presenting their creations. I've edited them a bit in terms of place names to make them fit with the setting I've developed over the course of the classifieds. All typos are my errors and I will correct if found.

Here's Part 2:

DAMSEL WANTED. Adventurer seeks bride. Will not traverse dragon-infested castles, dragon-filled swamps, dragon-inhabited forests, or dragon-owned caves. Damsel must not have poor relations (i.e. evil stepmother) or employ dwarves. Please respond in kind to this publication.

DRAGON DEBUNKING! Have a dragon that needs slaying? Call on Dragon Debunkers! We'll slay it for you! Our knights are specially trained to debunk any dragon. Note: Not responsible for loss of princess to our knights. Additional fees required in the even of dragon devouring knights.

MISS RICHET'S MIRACLE MIXTURE. Threatened by evil sorcerers? Rejected by damsels? Stymied by quests? Come to Miss Richet's hovel in Witch Woods for a draught of her Miracle Mixture to get your wishes granted! Note: not responsible for misfires caused by lack of specifics.

--Stephanie W.

MISSING: Elros Hawklight, half-elf ranger. 18 hands high, light brown hair, green eyes. Last seen in Nonwyhn Forest, one fortnight past. Please leave information at 12 Hunters St.

Are you a poorly equipped knight looking for a damsel in distress? We have the solution! Our new Elixir of Mighty Growth will increase your stamina, stature, and vigor for the long haul. Send 5sp handling to 9 East Circle for a free sample of this miracle product!

Come on down to the WearWolf for the best in lycanthropic fashion! 18 High Moon Street.

WANTED: 2,000 giant rat corpses for elementary necromancy classes. Willing to pay up to 1sp per carcass. Contact Wixard at the Taverntoss Wizard & Culinary Academy.

AMAZING ELIXIR OF REGENERATION! Regenerates any limb* with one application! 25gp each! Send order and payment to 3 Wort Road, Hawkthorp. *Does not regrow any head.

MISSING: Head. Was not screwed on. Blonde half-elf zombie in appearance. If found, please deliver to Amity Graveyard, Hawkthorp, at midnight. Ask for Lerch.

HIRING: Thugs, lackey, bruisers, and other assorted hench-persons for debt collection and press gangs. Please inquire at 22 North Alleyway, next to the pile of drunken guardsmen. Must bring your own club.


--Jason A.

DESPERATELY SEEKING SOOTHSAYER. Need for quest via ship; need monster predictions, future only please. Does not provide food, pays well if we find the treasure. Inquire with Captain Jack on the Rummy Maid, dockside, Haverford.

CALLING ALL RAKES! 636 y.o. witch seeks promiscuous and daft nobleman, must love potions and curses. Contact Auntie Winnie, two turns past the giant gnarled oak, Nonwyhn Forest.

LOST CONNECTION. We met at the S.S. Neptune shipwreck last week. You were wearing a burlap sack; you helped me find my hand axe after the narwhal attacked. Did we have a moment? Are you dead? Please leave note with this publication.

--Ryan S.

MOTHERS! Want to get rid of that fat, bratty consequence to that one time in the hay with the "hero" who swore it was true love? Wicked Witch Industries will pay top dollar for your unsightly offspring! Don't let the brats tarnish your reputation! Come by our hut today! Six turns left and one turn right past the old gnarled oak in Nonwyhn Forest. No refunds or returns.

Large exotic spider seeks companion. Food included. Must be willing to resort to cannibalism. Please respond in kind to this publication.

Virgins wanted for pet dragons. Males acceptable. Contact publisher for details.

WANTED: Village idiot. No need to actually be idiot. Contact Dorf at the main gate, Taverntoss.

--Madi H.

FOUND: Cape of Invisibility. If owner, see Vlack the Assassin behind the palace in Haverford at 2:00 today to claim. Please be prompt.

LOST: Hand-drawn blueprints of a palace. If found, please destroy immediately. Notes about sneaking, stabbing, and running are gibberish and should be disregarded.

WANTED: Minstrel to inspire adventurers during battle. Must be able to distinguish silent sneaking from battle. Come to the Whispy Tavern, Haverford, to apply.

NOTICE: Due to excessive sampling, Railette's Spices and Herbs' in-house wares have been interspersed with DEADLY MOONLOCK. Sample at your own risk.

LOST: Infamous pirate Black Dragon. If found, please return to royal gaol. He's good with a sword.

FOUND: Half-finished manuscript. Beginning to read aloud darkens the sun for a few moments. Please claim at Wixard, Battletoad, Harpish, and Lout, Licensed Necromancers, and explain your intentions with this spell.

--Tim M.

FOR SALE: Hand-and-a-half bastard sword used to slay idiot king and his stable of useless knights. Slightly rusted due to encrusted blood still clinging to sword; will need a good pumice scouring. Will sell for no less than one's mortal soul. Come to La Fey Mansion for more information.

WANTED: Young gawky boy with bowl cut between the ages of 10–13 for squire work for Sir Dilamont. Must be able to recite Sir Dilamont's exploits and skills from memory and withstand cold climates. Report to the Fat Friar Inn in Haverford for auditions next full moon.

ATTENTION: Effective immediately, all witches must report immediately to the Department of Flight Control in Haverford to register their broomsticks in conjunction with the newly instated No Witch Left Unaired program. Any witches flying without proper permits will have wand impounded, warts removed, and broom de-bristled.

--Noah M.

WANTED: Greedy, talented adventurers to enter a cursed cave, where people who enter never return, to flush out the unknown danger inside. Contact Farmer Fizgurt at Barren Farms for this breezy adventure.

WANTED: Selfish warrior willing to back stab group he has been traveling with for years to plan an invasion of a dwarven kingdom ruled by King Graduruc II. Go to the Books & Book Library, Taverntoss, and meet with Prince Graduruc III to begin your betrayal today!

LOST: Rags the Orc. Rags is a powerful half-orc barbarian wielding a dual-handed axe. May be traveling with a pet roc named "Roc". You will know him when you see him, as he'll most likely swing his axe at you. If found, please contact The Adventurers, LLC, at The Only Bar in Canterbury.

--Nikki D.

WANTED: Sidekick willing to gallivant through dungeons. Must be a skilled dancer. Must have left hand intact. Must be able to interpret fox speech. Please apply to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sidnietown.

FOR SALE: Potty trained, obedient, guaranteed not-to-bite-your-children Sword of Swording. Inquire with Merk at The Only Bar in Canterbury.

--Catelyn A.

ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH? Looking for a headstrong, burly man for my wonderful daughter. Apply to Farmer Fizgurt at Barren Farms. Warning: you should probably be desperate and preferably blind. Disclaimer: Not responsible for any discomfort, regret, or horrifying experiences the two of you have together.

EVER LOSE YOUR DRAGON? Fear not! Come see Ishmael at The Only Bar in Canterbury to learn a new, improved way to always find your dragon! Free sigil-branding for all baby dragons. Note: Sorry, but town regulations forbid meat-eating, city-burning dragons within city limits. Please contact Ishmael to negotiate home visit rates to tag your dragon.

--Crystal W.

GOT MILK? WE DO! We have an arsenal of wet nurses with constantly inflamed breasts to help take care of your little burden of joy so you can concentrate on what's more important, whether that's planting seed, running your shop, or important matters of state. Come talk to Elvira at the Wet Nurse & Nanny Guild, Haverford, today!

--Evan E.

FOUND: AMULET OF APATHY. Inquire with Reeda at the Onion & Talon, Taverntoss. Or don't.

WILL BUY USED LOVE POTIONS! Just used one sip of your love potion and won your true love's heart? Not sure what to do with the rest? I pay top dollar for half-drunk bottles of love potions! If interested, just hold the bottle and whisper my name three times and either I or one of my wives will materialize to negotiate a reasonable price. Mxxyzzplyxx, Wizard of Love, Hawkthorp.

Slightly worn shield for sale. Only used in battle once. Great for blocking round objects. Hole in center good for looking at enemies. Please send inquiries to this publication.

CASTLE FOR SALE! Gravecurse Castle for sale. 2sp OBO. Inquire at Amity Graveyard, Hawkthorp, at midnight. Ask for Lerch.

LOST: Sense of humor. If found, please return to Sir Haya Plats.

--Michael B.

ASPIRING ARCHER needs target practice. Looking for squat, rotund creature who can balance an apple or other spherical fruit on their head. Prefer non ogres, but will train right ogre. If interested, send your messenger bird to 438 South Durban Corridor, Hawkthorp.NOTE: not responsible for any mental, physical, or emotional damage resulting from being speared by arrow.

BONES WANTED. Calling all grave-grubbers, corpse crunchers, etc. We need bones! Glatch the Gricker, Grailcave Hill, will pay top dollar for bones in good condition. Prices negotiable.

Lonely witch seeks wizard lover; must have long scraggly beard. Contact Auntie Penny, two turns past the giant gnarled oak, Nonwyhn Forest.

--Emily M.

Long hair? Don't care? We do! Come on down to Rapunzel's Hair Salon and let us tame your tangled locks! 34 Braided Circle, Taverntoss.

Wanted: One room mate to live with Ogre. No donkeys. 13609 Swamp Lane, outskirts of Hawkthorp.

--Evan L.

ART THOU HUNGRY? Terrible hunter? No work to be found making a petty pound? Come to Airdale Castle today to become King Winthrop's personal food taste tester! Three meals a day and no hunting required. Candidates must be in excellent health.

WANTED: ASS HAT. Seeking molded headpieces to protect a donkey of good size from falling boulders, dragon fire, etc. Come to Brindler's Pub, Canterbury, and ask for Durgat.

--Samantha R.