Underworld Lore Classifieds by My Students

I teach a creative writing course and a digital narratives course at a community college. On my birthday, I tossed the regularly scheduled programming and had my students write classifieds and dungeon slang. Here is the first in a series of posts presenting their creations. I've edited them a bit in terms of place names to make them fit with the setting I've developed over the course of the classifieds. All typos are my errors and I will correct if found.

So, here we go:

Are you sad and lonely? Do you just want it all to be over? Do you have fangs and consider yourself a vampire? Not to worry! Witchtiles has you covered! Come participate in our study and earn up to two gallons of blood a night! Participants must be between 600–900 years old, a healthy weight for size and not O+ drinkers. If this is you, don't miss out on this exciting opportunity. Come visit Witchtiles in Walthamthorp TODAY!

--Catelyn A.

WE'LL BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! WISH CONSULTANTS. Supernatural Law Office, J. Mortimer, Esq. Helping wish makers around those pesky dual meaning wishes! Evil genies, monkey paws, deals with devils and demons our specialty! Foolproof wording for specific outcomes. Don't make another wish you'll regret again. We'll be careful so you don't have to! Marketsquare, Walthamthorp, above the bakery shoppe.

-- Felix C.

WIZARDS HATE HIM! Learn to perform complicated magic in several easy steps. Send 10sp and a self-addressed Sorcery Box to the former House of Usher on the mountainside, Hawkthorp.

Have you lost all your valuables to greedy pillagers? Are you sick and tired of being beaten to a pulp for your wares? Would you like to do something about it? Join us this month for an informational meeting--we can help. Ad paid for by the Greedy Pillages Recruitment Council.

Are you handy with an axe? Do you know how to properly hand a wand? You might be just the gal we're looking for! Apply in person for the Buxom Beauties Burlesque. Located in the Gender Superiority Complex on Big Ot Lane, Taverntoss.

Seeking O.T.M. Wagoneers! We are looking for skilled drivers with either cattle class or mule class certifications. This is a full time position with minimal risks*. Apply at the job board on the wall at the Herald Guild, Walthamthorp. *Minimal risks include but are not limited to possible bandit or other robberies, mythical creature attacks, falling rocks, and jovial remarks at your expense.

FOR RENT--Slightly used squire. He'll do all your knightly parchment-work for a nominal fee. Find me at the tavern. Any tavern. Omnipresent Joe.

Knee pain? Come get the best! Warlock Taffeta's Joint Panacea. Arrow pain is our specialty! Available at fine alchemist shoppes everywhere.

Left handed? Do you suffer Severe Southpaw Syndrome? We have the cure! Come on down to Jefferson's Axe and Miniature Guillotine Shop, Walthamthorp.

Get stoned without getting stoned for it. See us at the only shop between the borders -- Jurisdictional Freedom House.

Hungry? Get all the gruel you can eat for a pittance and a bit of jostling. We may be crowded, but we're the only ones with this much gruel! Harny's House of Gruel, Hawkthorp. Not responsible for unsavory ligaments in the gruel--we certainly didn't put those in there.

Learn to use your staff the right way! Contact Sleazy Malbet in the alley behind the other alley. First visit FREE!

Make a fortune by finding a larger fortune! Bring the larger fortune to me and I will give you a smaller fortune. See me at the castle. Prince Albert, Haverford.

--Jeremy F.

I quit my job and now I am earning 40gp an hour just by sitting at home doing repetitive tasks! To learn my secret, visit Bot's Shop on S. Pam Road, Taverntoss, today!

Are you a young man with a penchant for smashing pots and other small objects to see if there is anything inside? Do you often find yourself unable to speak with words and instead use loud guttural noises and people still respond normally? You are showing the first signs of Adventurism, and we can help. Contact the Anti-Adventurism League, Hawkthorp.

--Bob D.

Wanted: Charismatic leader. Must be visionary and good with minions with disfigurement. Goatee preferable. No need to send resume, but must pass performance interview. Dark sense of humor required. Direct all questions to Dark Citadel Institutes, Inc., Number 26 Dastardly Way, Hawkthorp.

Found: Single left Boot of Remorse. I never should have picked it up. I'm sorry! I promise I'll change my ways! If this boot completes your pair, seek out the sobbing troll outside the Grousing Goose in Ank Morpork. Please, please, please, come take it back. The sobbing is bad for business.

OFFICIAL NOTICE: Per Royal Edict #99.578, all unregistered necromancers must apply for practice permits and document animations performed this year. Please report to the Royal Registry in Haverford under pain of death.

Will buy Dungeon Loot, no questions asked! Sticky fingers? Cavernous pockets? Inexplicable bag of holding? Come on down to Hoarder's Hoard Emporium in Walthamthorp where you will always get top gold for your goods. Problems looting? Drop by our help-booth "Hands-Off" for assistance with your kleptomania!

Now Hiring: Unseen University, prestigious School of Magic in Ank Morpork, seeking new headmaster. Inquire within.

Available: Troll need new bridge. Will protect bridge for bones. No goats please -- Mogrop the Troll.

Lost: Staff of Clacking. Last seen in possession of travelling troupe of players. If found, do not return. Send self-addressed, notarized claim of theft to Mrs. Emrys, Hawkthorp, for reward.

--Stephen B.

Wanted: Grave Diggers! Need 5–8 able-bodied men for digging mass grave near nondescript cave. Earn 100–1000gp per week, plus food, shelter, and food! Lots of food! Payment will be given after completion of project. Bring your spouses! Bring your kids! We'll feed them, too! Nondescript cave, far enough from town that screams can't be heard.

Missed Connection: We met at the abandoned castle last night. I thought we had a moment when your eyes met my eye sockets as I was biting into your flesh. HMU! Dungeon of Castle Needsmor Ruum.

Calling All Skeletons! Do you wish you could feel again? Do you miss thoughts? Dreams? Being able to read with your own eyes? Or being able to read finger signs? WELL NO MORE! At Morgan's Skin Shop, we can give you some of your previous life back! Using new, state of the art arcane knowledge, we can graft skin, muscle, and yes, even complete organs on to your shambling, creaky frame! At our low-cost rates, you can look like a dignified zombie that even a dark lord would be proud to call his own! Special rates if you supply your own adventurer carcass! Morgan's Skin Shop, 23 Deerhorn Lane, Haverford.

ADVENTURER NEEDS LOVE, TOO.! LVL15 WAR SWM Advr. seeks LVL15 SMN SDEF for fun and questing. Must like dungeons and manacles. Must include stats and parchment of your likeness in reply, care of this publication.

OFFICIAL NOTICE: Henceforth, ALL adventurers must apply for an Adventurer's Permit -- in person -- with Princess Donna. Adventurers with high stamina and large swords will be sent to the front of the line. Please bring your own shields for inspection. Castle Stables, 1 bell after nightfall.

FOUND! Dead advr. No ID, tags, nor inscribed items. Nor sure if crow eating out his eye was his. If this sounds like your human advr., please come to under bridge outside of town. Alone.

MISSING! Dark lord missing his sworn enemy. If found, please bring the coward to 50th floor of my dark citadel. Quick death shall be your reward. Or eternal torment for my amusement; depends on my mood.

--James H.

Bonemeal and fishguts needed for potion said to cure my nocturnal blood thirst. Seek me out at the old witch's hut deep in the mysterious woods. Ignore all signs asking you to turn back. Apples are a plus. Have no money. Can pay with mortality.

Looking for group of experienced adventurers to stand around aimlessly in a low level constantly asking others to duel. Overpowered mages welcome. Send inquires courtesy of this publication.

Turning red? Beginning to grow unsightly horns out of your forehead? Do you have random outbursts of anger? Contact Wacky Worely Wizards Active Anger Management Academy (WWWAAMA). We will allow you to see if you're cooler looking with a blue hat, angel wings, and halo. Send application to post boxes found everywhere.

Need brave adventurer to retrieve Ring of Burden in bottom of well. Will give life savings if ring is successfully retrieved. Contact Psycho Tierman at The Only Well, Taverntoss

--Evan S.


Greg Gorgonmilk said…
Great stuff here! "A"s all around!