Thursday, August 1, 2013

Petty Classifieds

MINIONS WANTED! God of Abject Poverty needs lackeys for entry-level field positions managing ruination portfolios. Must like body vermin and travel by foot. Apply at the Sign of the Crooked Foot in Lochnamsh next full moon. Serious inquiries only. No elves.

PUNY MAN! Bow before the Goddess of Wonderous Strength and be the master of your muscle! You are called to a special meeting of the Muscle Cult at the next nexus of the twin moons of Joon at Temple Square in Portown. Only the first ten applicants who fail the feats of strength will be admitted. No dwarves; farmboys need not apply unless partially crippled.

LOST: Small, ruby, triple-headed goat statue inscribed with the name “EMKILM” on base. Last seen behind the bar at the Sign of the Wrinkled Tit. If found, please return to Faroo the Magnanimous in Harnthorp for special reward. Note: DO NOT attempt to milk the statue!

RUM MAIT WANTTED! Slorg need rum mait. Nice layer. Tastful decorated with skuls. Must not be orc. Cum to bridge. Look under. Aks for Slorg. Show  add or I will eet you.

FOR RENT: Small hovel on outskirts of town. Tends to wander if left unattended. Special discounts for old crones and/or witches. Inquire at Yaga Babba’s Bakery Shoppe.

SOULS FOR SALE! CLEARANCE PRICED!  Demon lord has been demoted and must clear all inventory! Thousands of contracts reduced below cost! My loss is your gain! Come on down to Lecherous Larry the Lemure Demon's Soul Emporium NOW! No lawyers or wholesalers will be admitted.

WANTED: Small, jewel encrusted bronze statue of a demon laughing in its sleep. Will pay 1,000gp for same. I'll know it when I see it. Bring it to Yalek Aieleek, Master of Sleep, at Zabit's Magic Shop in Darkwood Shire.

You: Handsome halfling rogue with velvet touch. Me: The drunk bar maid at the Wrinkled Tit with dishwater hair and a small mole under her left eye. Lost: My trust, my heart, my crystal pendant. If I see you again, you turd on an owlbear’s ball sack, this wench will wrench your furry little toes clean off.

Skeleton keys for sale. Must provide own skeleton. W.S. Largish & Sons, Locksmiths.

ADVENTURERS WANTED! Cowardly villagers seek foolhardy and short-sighted rogues to sacrifice life and limb for paltry reward and bragging rights in an attempt to kill black dragon disrupting local sheep-based economy.  Interested parties must provide own weapons and mounts. Interested applicants please inquire with Old Man Slathery at Goatshire's blacksmith shop.

Sisyphut's Miscellaneous Labor Services. No task unreasonable or too dangerous. Trained and untrained laborers ready to work at reasonable rates. Special orders our specialty. Just whistle and we'll work!

Walter Withcroft, Ph.D, M.U.F.C, R.O.T.C., Br.OF (ret.), will repair and recharge your magic items for minimal cost. No guarantee of normal function after upgrades or recharges. Also have small number of special items for sale, including lover’s knots, bracelets of clasping, wands of mendacity, pendants of stag’s endurance, and rings of hope. Hours: one hour after sun-up till mid-day, every day, unless sign on door says otherwise. Stall located behind Yaga Babba's Bakery, next to cobbler shop. Discrete transactions available at extra cost.

DELIVERY MAN NEEDED. The Brothers of the Order of the Fist in Northern Kirlangen, brewers of the realms-famous Miasmimosa bittersweet brew,  have immediate need for a delivery driver. Must be able to lift a half-cask unaided and be amenable to being the subject of multiple spell protections. Apply in person to Brother Bendover, Prior of Kirlangen Abbey.

100GP REWARD! Clear crystal pendant in shape of stag’s head. If found, return to Bethda Tillminder at the Sign of the Wrinkled Tit.

DUNGEONEERS! Have your latest forays beneath the earth left you feeling you've lost your mirth? Has crawling through the underdark taken away your divine spark? Perhaps a case of raging doom has left you confined to your room, or maybe your gut is in  a fit because of  a case of the lucky shits?  Whether it's tenebrites, ghosts of fleas, fly mites, undead lice, or just scraped knees, HARPOOL'S APOTHECARY HAS THE CURE!  Our trained apothecaries are supervised by a fully royal-licensed alchemist of the sixth degree. No ailment too small or to large. Conveniently located in Market Square next to Yaga Babba's Bakery.

THARWICK'S FEED & LIVESTOCK MULE TRAIN SPECIAL! Why buy when you can rent? We have mules available for as low as 5gp per day. Rent five mules, get a sixth for free!  Carts and mule drivers available at extra cost. Come on down to Tharwick's: it's your move, so trust us to haul it right.

DISWASSERTHOP LAUGHS! YANKEE. HOTEL. FOXTROT. SEVENTY-SIX. THIRTY-THREE. TWENTY-FOUR. SHOOP.

Dwarves needed for dangerous mission to retrieve lost birthright. Must be stout of heart, sober of mind, and fast with fists. Ability to speak Northlander helpful, but not required. Come to the Shady Dragon Tavern and ask for Walker.

OFFICIAL NOTICE: Be it herewith known that Raffles Kuntfingers of the Shire of Darkwood has been found guilty of theft from the royal treasury and is to be executed  at dawn on the second day after this notice is circulated.  He is to be drawn and quartered in  the public square. The convicted’s personal belongings were sold at auction under sealed bid to the highest bidder, as per royal custom. All citizens of title of the kingdom are invited to attend the execution. Refreshments will be follow the spectacle courtesy of Baron Walthamthorp.

Alchemist in need of rare and hard-to-find ingredients seeks to hire intrepid explorers to secure such. Inquire at front gate of Stonefist Keep. Show ad for admittance.

GUNTHER TAXIDERMY, located in Walthamthorp, will stuff and mount your trophy in true-to-life fashion. Gunther Fishkiller has 30 years experience in helping customers relive the hunt through tasteful taxidermy. In his years in service to Baron Walthamthorp, Gunther learned to hunt the big ones and mount them! Drop by our showroom to see our handiwork and discuss how we can help you furnish your home, guild, or keep and help you keep your memories alive. Gunther Taxidermy: Preserve The Adventure!

Curses removed. Reasonable prices. Come to stall 7 on market days. Ask for Renata.

Escorts provided for single knights in need of companionship to court-required social engagements. Our girls are fully trained in small talk, friendly gestures, and royal social graces. Special services available for paladins. Jaleen's Social Circle is here to serve. Two blocks off Market Square on Guilds Way. Ask for Lefpth. 

REPENT, REPENT! YWEHBOBBOBHEWY, LORD OF WATERS, KING OF MIRRORS, PATRIARCH OF THE MOST PROFOUND DEMANDS YOU REPENT! Run this ad three times and your prayers will be answered. For details, send 1 cp to Ywehbobbobhewy, Lord of Waters, King of Mirrors, Patriarch of the Most Profound, c/o Bob Dacat, Temple Felinis, Whiskeryshire.

FOUND: Stag Head Pendant. Has curious properties only true owner would know. Inquire at Harpool's Apothecary. Ask for Kenwise. Be prepared to bargain.