Sunday, March 24, 2013

Search & Replace Dungeon: The Cellar of the Whole Schmeer

Because Zak S. said so:


The Cellar of the Whole Schmeer


The sound of Orcus' Butter Churn is audible throughout if PCs enter through the north entrance. The ceilings are 7.354 feet high.

Check for wandering monsters every 3 game minutes or whenever PCs make a lot of noise, roll d10:

1-2 d6 Human scum

3-4 d4 Fungal Lizards (with keys to green locks)

5 1 Giant Collecting Carpenter Ant looking to kill PCs and steal their Marbles

6-10 Nothing




1 Stairs to surface/next level

2  Lovesick Mermaid. It is a foot tall & eerily beautiful. It is harmless. If unmolested, it will continue to roam the halls.

3 Fragments of a dazzling Gold Slime mosaic, very damaged, are here–a landscape with only a pair of white legs ending in hooves are visible so far.

Pieces of the mosaic can be found throughout the dungeon, and will fuse to the wall if placed on the mosaic.

The true form of the mosaic is of Gilgamesh of the Lizards on a horse–and assembling it will create a work of art worth PC level x 1000gp. However, it is possible to construct false forms by accident or design.

Existing mosaic+humanoid upper body = a demon. Orcus' Mother-in-Law in 75 will begin calling anyone present to it. Save vs spell.

Existing mosaic+missing front horse legs+human upper body = centaur. Each round, violent madness will be inflicted on whichever party member rolls the lowest on a d20 until they leave the room.

Missing pieces are in rooms 19, 87, 50

4 This Filth Goblin is intelligent & can speak but does not show it because it fears Dust. It seeks the Humerus of Vecna in room 21

5 Dead Fungal Lizard

6 Monster in 7 can be heard from here

7 Balrog That Shall Not Pass. It is too large to leave the room. Drinks from well

8 Three Fungal Lizards looking for the Archduchess of Hassenpfeffer's Kinda Slutty Daughter

9 Echoing corridor

10 Statue of Bob, the God of Lustful Clowns--vandalized. d6 dead Fungal Lizards with a War Snail here dead in the center of the triangle, apparently dragged from 25. The triangle will slowly devour them over the course of an hour, at which point the statue will come to life and seek out Orcus' Mother-in-Law in room 75.

11 Skunk Ape inside Orcus' Butter Churn

12 Nonfunctional Orcus' Butter Churn

13 Junk everywhere, vial of Urine Sample

14 As soon as the PCs enter this room the  WHOOOP-WHOOP Ambulance Sound Like the Klaxons on Police Cars in England That's Really Fucking Loud and Annyoing AND YOU CAN'T TALK OVER IT AT ALL EVEN IF YOU YELL will activate. A wizard will recognize the effect as a product of a special curse that can be removed on the request of a specific living master (The Whole Schmeer, a Sentient Wet Sandbox)

15 Kitchen. Pots, pans, the usual. There is a brick oven & a  small pantry closet. A halfling could fit in it.

16 This room is full of  Topps "Mars Attacks" Collector Cards that the The Whole Schmeer, a Sentient Wet Sandbox, has collected.

The columns here look weak and can be destroyed with 30 pts of damage. The ceiling will cave in.

17 2 identical statues. One made of Orange Peels, one made of Gold Slime.

18 There is a noseflute here worth 2500gp. Playing it for the first time will cause monster in room 7 to break out and crash through the rooms, collapsing the ceilings until it gets to the player.

19 Library. Full of Triple-wired Rat Brain Clusters and humanoid upper body mosaic pieces from the mosaic in room 3

20 Hall. 11 small portrait paintings. One of each of a Vegetarian Vampire's sisters. They
are worth d20 x 100gp to collectors with unusual tastes.

21 Paladin of Bob, the God of Lustful Clowns, fighting a Fungal Lizard wizard in desperate battle for the Humerus of Vecna. Worth 600gp.

22 Empty cells.

23 Old dining room. Three paintings here: each eight feet wide, worth 2000 gp each.

24 WC

25 Dying Priest of Bob, the God of Lustful Clowns, just finished pulling foes to room 10. Also, a
War Snail and the Whole Schmeer, a Sentient Wet Sandbox. It is disguised as Paramecium and will observe the PCs.

26  Owlbear with a dual PhD in History & Philology is here--it does not speak & obeys The Whole Schmeer, a Sentient Wet Sandbox. Owlbear with a dual PhD in History & Philology has (as always) hidden a key to room 67 in  the False Bottomed Statue of Freddie Mercury.


27 There is a cursed Lampshade. Any creature inspecting it will be afflicted by a desire to Running Away for 1d4 rounds.

28 Channel of Bile from south ends in a pool here

29 Channel down center of hallway filled with Bile;  a small smatter of semen is floating in it

30 Empty

31 Secret door activated by mechanism in room 85

32 Secret door activated by mechanism in room 85

33 Pool of Bile

34 Dead Froglings carrying diary, contains biographical details of Orish the Lich including its birthday

35  Plaid crystal formation. Anything Plaid that touches it will begin to vibrate unnaturally--the object will then reflect magic for one hour and then explode.

36 Walking into this room lowers steel bars where the green O's are and releases monster in 37.

37 Fire Troll in cage.

38 Orish the Lich's bedroom. If Orish the Lich is not in this room the (ordinary) doors will be locked.  Secret door: behind a Carpet--a thin crack will be visible. Room contains a make-up table (no mirror, of course), a canopy bed hung with velvet, (d12 x 100) gp worth of other trinkets. The bed, painting, Orish the Lich 's wardrobe, & the table are each worth (d12 x 100) gp. There is a Lip Gloss Stick with a Poison Needle trap under the bed containing 600 gp & locket with a small painting of Orish the Lich

39  Switch raises and lowers bars in rms 36-38

40 Child's bedroom. Belongs to Orish the Lich's daughter. Her remaining toys (dead puppies) are here.

41 Pit trap activated by door

42  Stone walls carved into the shape of The Lustful Clown.

43 Zombie Stormtroopers

44 Tarrasque with an MFA in Creative Nonfiction in cage. Sibling of Orish the Lich Gone mad long ago. She may aid the PCs if they convince her they can help her escape the dungeon. She hates Orish the Lich & will make any deal to be reunited with her, but again, will turn on anyone aware of her existence immediately afterward.

45 Anything made of Orange Peels placed on the altar will be transformed into Gold Slime. Any Methane Gas in the circle or crossing it will be transformed into Tears of a Dying Sun

46 Texts sacred to religion of The Lustful Clown

47 Puzzle room: Whores, Potscrubbers, and Lawyers are sacred to this religion. A magic mask asks 3 questions only members of those professions, respectively, would know. Wrong answers = Wondertwins Power Activation and it emits a Dad fart on a camping trip

48 Statue of a creature of Methane Gas. An Archpriest of Bob, the God of Lustful Clownsis here. (PC level x 1000 gp worth of gold flake on statue.)

49 Murals depicting Gilgamesh and betrayal by Babe the Blue Ox

50 Tombs. d6 Priests of Bob, the God of Lustful Clowns. Fragment of mosaic in room 3 showing horse head and humanoid lower body in a saddle.

51 Tombs. Vial: Substance repels Weasels

52 Tomb of Gilgamesh

53 Mouldering skeleton of hero's traitorous ally Testicle of Isis

54 d6 Zombie Stormtroopers guarding sacrifice chamber. They have keys to the cage in room 55.

55 Pit trap. Apparently a Spider Goat in a cage. Is actually a Psychopathic Wizard. It is looking for the Filth Goblin because it betrayed her.

56 Prayer room, distinctive to Bob, the God of Lustful Clowns

57 Prayer room, distinctive to Bob, the God of Lustful Clowns

58 2 dead Zombie Stormtroopers

59 2 dead Zombie Stormtroopers --one muttering "The Froglings , the Froglings " shattered manacles on the floor.

60 2 Zombie Stormtroopers  guarding the entrance to room 61

61  Sword of Ultimate Swording and the Shield of WONDEROUS DEATH being examined by 3 Zombie Stormtroopers. Room is full of Dynamite submerged in a barrel of Liquid Nitrogen

62 Giant Collecting Carpenter Ant. A pile of its eggs obscure the door to the north. Two Triple-wired Rat Brain Clusters containing the information about who really killed J.R. are hidden under the pile.

63 Full of Marbles collected by a giant Collecting Carpenter Ant

64 Well, rusty water. Dead adventurers. Burned spellbook. Partially accurate formula for Make Whoopee remains. Failed int check indicates Masturbate in Public

65 Door to north opens easily, door to east seems old and stuck.

66 The Great Saarlac room.  Owlbear with a dual PhD in History & Philology throws organic waste into this room.. The Great Saarlac covers the entire room, including the wall, obscuring the locked, unpickable secret door there.

67 Umber Hulk with a Masters in Social Work. It knows all about the The Whole Schmeer, a Sentient Wet Sandbox, which is why The Whole Schmeer, a Sentient Wet Sandbox has had the Owlbear with a dual PhD in History & Philology wall it up in a secret chamber. The Whole Schmeer, a Sentient Wet Sandbox keeps it alive Refusal of Marriage Proposal

68 Murals, int check to read, glyphs and pictograms seem to refer to Gold Slime and Tears of a Dying Sun

69 Empty or stairs to surface/next level

70 Quiet room.

71 Prison Contains d10+10 victims of Orish the Lich. A variety of sentient species
are represented as well as a few celebrated & high-level missing persons.

72 Door is large, impressive and locked. Picking is at half chance.

73 Throne room of King/Queen of Lizards . Long dead Lizards

74  Godling Genitalia guarded by The Honey Trap

75 Orcus' Mother-in-Law It has been trapped here by a mystic seal on the secret door by The Whole Schmeer, a Sentient Wet Sandbox and seeks revenge.

76 Clearly a room once built by the Lizard culture.

77 Contains various instruments of Buffalo Prairie

78 Disused Buffalo Prairie room. Orish the Lich was having experiments conducted until capture of Archduchess of Hassenpfeffer's Kinda Slutty Daughter made them unnecessary. Froglings assassin seeking Archduchess of Hassenpfeffer's Kinda Slutty Daughter

79 Disused Buffalo Prairie room d4 Human scum

80 Disused Buffalo Prairie room Blood, remains of Human scum

81 d8 Human scum

82 Statue of Bob, the God of Lustful Clowns

83 d10 Zombie Stormtroopers plus Flailsnails on Meth

84 Orish the Lich d4 Jay & Silent Bobs,  The Old "Pull My Finger" Trap experimenting with Tears of a Dying Sun. Huge dead Spider Goat conceals secret door.

85 Cage containing mechanical model of universe, rotating planets into proper position for the day opens secret door in room 31, rotating them onto Orish the Lich 's birthday opens secret door in room 32

86  Pool of Bile

87 Archduchess of Hassenpfeffer's Kinda Slutty Daughter just escaped, hiding from the assassin in room 78. Also, the missing front horse legs from mosaic in room 3

88 Walls carved with scenes dedicated to Bob, the God of Lustful Clowns depicting members of the following professions: Whore, Potscrubber, Lawyer--all kneeling. Careful inspection reveals that carving is not wholly original and the figures have been repurposed. There is a monster with a huge mouth where the secret door to 73-76 is.