Bob the Cat (minion of Ywehbobbobhewy, Lord of Waters, King of Mirrors, Patriarch of the Most Profound)
Alignment: Chaotic (neutral)
Movement: 60’ (20’)
Armor Class: 5
Hit Points (Hit Dice): 49 (9)
Attacks: 2 (1 bite or breath weapon) + special
Damage: 1d10/ 4d4 + special
Hoard Class: N/A
Bob the Cat is a two-legged bald cat that rides on the shoulders of Ywehbobbobhewy, Lord of Waters, etc., etc., when His Lordship manifests as a one-eyed, lute-playing hunchbacked midget during the Dark Moon Festival and other high holy days.
Bob the Cat is slightly larger than a normal domestic housecat, and is able to talk in pidgen Common, although he is fluent in Goblin & Dwarvish. He has a particularly dirty mind and is constantly barking sexual innuendos at passersby. His cackling mews are also highly disturbing.
Bob the Cat's leg configurations never manifest in the same manner: sometimes he has two front legs, sometimes two back, sometimes one front and one back, sometimes they appear on the left and sometimes they appear on the right. Once every three years he manifests as a cat with human legs riding piggyback on His Lordship's hump.
Bob's main attack is his venomous bite (1d10 normal damage + Save vs. Poison or suffer –3 to rolls and –2 hp per round until Cure Disease or death). Because he feeds exclusively on Cowie's inky black milk, he's also capable of belching an intense, short-range cone of fire once per day (Save vs. Breath Weapon or take 4d4 fire damage).
Bob the Cat's tail is prehensile, and he uses it to wield a Wand of Absolute Total Fucking Darkness with 4 charges or a Wand of What the Fuck with 3 charges. Flip a coin to decide which he's got this time around.
Finally, Bob the Cat coughs up hairless fur balls once per day (don't ask). Merely touching one of these with bare flesh is enough to impart burrowing rotworm disease (no save): a single, tiny worm will burrow its way into the flesh and then replicate exponentially via self-division. Such victims are usually fated for a horrible, torturous death unless they swallow a dried pearl onion within fifteen minutes of becoming infected (the initial infecting burrowing rotworm head for the stomach first, and dried pearl onions mixed with stomach acids create a highly toxic gas which kills it before it can self-divide).
Bob the Cat's name is not Bob, Bobbie, Bob-o, or any other variation. It is always "Bob the Cat." Attempting to address him as anything but after he corrects you the first time means it's time to roll for initiative.
The Wand of Absolute Total Fucking Darkness (Rare)
No. of Total Charges: 4
Effect: Creates a 60' dome of absolute total fucking darkness for 1d4 days.
A slim wand of rosewood, Wands of ATFD are rarely found on the material plane, as they are only wielded by Bob the Cat, the companion animal of Ywehbobbobhewy, Lord of Waters, King of Mirrors, Patriarch of the Most Profound. He's only lost two.
Wands of Absolute Total Fucking Darkness create a darkness darker than the dark in Orcus' bowels. It can not be dispelled and no magical light can penetrate its darkness. In fact, the Wand of ATFD creates a warp in the space-time continuum, establishing a stable, self-contained time-looped portal to the Plane of Eternal Darkness, the thin black plane separating the Negative Energy Plane from all others.
Anyone caught in the area of effect (or stumbling into the area of effect) has a 1% chance of stumbling out of the area each day. Most folks end up sitting tight and waiting it out. Not even the gods or godlings themselves can peer into the inky darkness to see what is happening therein.
No one knows where these things came from, not even Bob the Cat, who stumbled upon a small bundle of them in an unmarked crate in a third sub-basement of the tunnel between Olympus and Asgard.
Wand of What the Fuck (Unique)
No. of Charges: 12 (3 left)
A tough, stubby wand made from a cypress root, the only known Wand of WTF is in the possession of Bob the Cat, the companion animal of Ywehbobbobhewy, Lord of Waters, King of Mirrors, Patriarch of the Most Profound.
The Wand of WTF allows the wielder to immediately carry out the first thought that pops into his head when the wand is extended to strike, but the caster has no control over how those thoughts might be carried out. For example, if the wielder thinks "I'm hungry," the target might turn into a giant ham OR the target might find their weapon turned into a pig OR the wielder might find himself seated at table in a distant town with a feast before him.
No one knows where it came from or who created it; Bob the Cat discovered the Wand of WTF among a small bunch of Wands of Absolute Total Fucking Darkness and discovered its powers by accident. The wand originally had 12 charges. Only 3 are left. Bob the Cat has managed to master casting with the device after several mishaps, including a run-in with the Prince of Darkness himself that's better left unmentioned.
This is an extremely powerful item and the (un)lucky adventurers who manage to appropriate it must treat it with the respect it deserves.