Saturday, July 7, 2012

Answering Jeff's 20 Questions

I don't have a campaign going. But I'm finally getting around to answering Jeff's questions:

What is the deal with my cleric's religion?
He just really likes potatoes.

Where can we go to buy standard equipment?
The dwarves forge. The evil dwarven forge. It's the forge that's evil, not the dwarves. Poor dwarves.

Where can we go to get platemail custom fitted for this monster I just befriended?
Did you not read the answer to the second question? Moron.

Who is the mightiest wizard in the land?
Thumbtwiddle.

Who is the greatest warrior in the land?
It's a toss up between Buttercup and Holgrofth Snaggletooth.

Who is the richest person in the land?
Bob. But he doesn't know it.

Where can we go to get some magical healing?
Shhhhh. Magic is frowned upon here. But there's a witch in the eastern hills of Frogssothmuthth who might be able to help you out for a price.

Where can we go to get cures for the following conditions: poison, disease, curse, level drain, lycanthropy, polymorph, alignment change, death, undeath?
Are you deaf or what?

Is there a magic guild my MU belongs to or that I can join in order to get more spells?
I SAID ARE YOU DEAF?!?

Where can I find an alchemist, sage or other expert NPC?
Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Ask around. Quietly. And avoid the court jester with the broken heart at all costs.

Where can I hire mercenaries?
Try the Mercenary Guild. Idiot.

Is there any place on the map where swords are illegal, magic is outlawed or any other notable hassles from Johnny Law?

You really are a moron, aren't you? MAGIC IS OUTLAWED EVERYWHERES! Otherwise, feel free to flaunt your sword.

Which way to the nearest tavern?
By royal decree, there is a MacGuffin's in every village over 100 people. There is a 20% surcharge for parties of four or more. Elves eat free with the purchase of an adult entree. They carry a variety of popular beverages, including some from other realms such as Mushroom Stout.

What monsters are terrorizing the countryside sufficiently that if I kill them I will become famous?
Roving hordes of tax collectors.

Are there any wars brewing I could go fight?
Yes. Especially between those who prefer their toilet rags to hang next to the chamber pot and those who prefer their toilet rags under the chamber pot.

How about gladiatorial arenas complete with hard-won glory and fabulous cash prizes?
No. But bear baiting is a treasured past-time. Why, here is young Barstow having a go at it and looking pretty good:

Barstow, by the way, is the bear.


Are there any secret societies with sinister agendas I could join and/or fight?
Fight Club . . . awww shit! Now they're gonna come after me!

What is there to eat around here?
This area is well known for Halfling Pie.  It looks like this:

mmm . . . Halfling Pie . . . mmm
Yeah, it's more like a cake than a pie. But halflings are kinda stupid that way.

Any legendary lost treasures I could be looking for?
Yes. This:

The Tenebrious Bloodstone of Wü
No one knows exactly why Thumbtwiddle wants it. But he does. And word is he'll pay a mighty high price for it.

Where is the nearest dragon or other monster with Type H treasure?
If we knew that, we'd know where The Tenebrious Bloodstone of Wü was now, wouldn't we, Mr. Smart Guy?