Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Canned Unicorn Meat

You've probably seen this, but it still makes me laugh:


No foolin' - Unicorn meat is real!

Excellent source of sparkles!

Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn.

As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat.

Unfortunately, due to restrictions on the importation of mythical processed meatstuff, we are unable to bring you Canned Unicorn Meat in the way the Sisters of Radiant Farms intended. When you open your can, you will find one tiny unicorn which has been appropriately sliced into its main cuts of meat. Simply use your Growth Ray to re-embiggen the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh. Or if you're lazy, just bring it to your local Mad Scientist-Butcher. He'll know what to do.


Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat Specifications
  • 14 ounces of delicious unicorn meat, canned for your convenience
  • Imported from a small independent cannery in County Meath, Ireland
    Crunchy horn bits in every bite - an excellent source of Calcium
    Tastes like rotisserie chicken but with a hint of marshmallow sweetness
  • Easily spreadable for sandwiches, hors d'oeuvres, and more
  • Sparkly meat lends the unmistakable air of class and sophistication to your parties
  • Unlike other meats, unicorn fat is polyunsaturated and lowers your LDL cholesterol
  • Not yet approved by the USDA or FDA, but the nuns have eaten it for centuries and they're healthy as horses
(source: Think Geek)


But wait! There's more!

Unicorn Meat® Classic
Taste where it all started. The original flavor from 337 that turned the world on its tongue. It’s been called “The Miracle Meat of a Million Uses”. Available in the standard 12 oz. and convenient 7 oz. sizes.

Unicorn Meat® Low Salt
Since 986, providing you all that Unicorn Meat® classic taste with 25% less salt.

Unicorn Meat® Lite
This version of Unicorn Meat® Classic has 33% fewer horn bits and 50% less sparkles. That‘s why they call it Unicorn Meat® Lite!

Unicorn Meat® Hot & Spicy
Do you love Tabasco®, but don’t have a bottle handy to pour on your Unicorn Meat® Classic? Look no further. Unicorn Meat® Hot & Spicy is here. Not recommended for those of Lawful Alignment.

Unicorn Meat® Spread
If you’re a spreader, not a slicer, then Unicorn Meat® Spread is for you. Just like Unicorn Meat® Classic, but in spreadable form. Recommended for dwarves and halflings!

Unicorn Meat® Singles
Hooray for single rations! A convenient way to enjoy Unicorn Meat® Classic for those on the go or in retreat from undead.

Unicorn Meat® Singles Lite
A convenient option for those who desire an individual serving with 33% fewer horn bits and 50% less sparkles.

Unicorn Meat® Hickory Smoke Flavor
Ahhh, smoke flavor! There’s nothing quite like it. Combined with the great taste of Unicorn Meat® Classic, it’s downright powerful.

Unicorn Meat® with Bacon
Many people may be torn between having Unicorn Meat® Classic or bacon for breakfast. Why not have both? Case closed.

Unicorn Meat® with Cheese
The variations of Unicorn Meat® Classic go on and on. This one’s got the perfect combination of flavor.

Unicorn Meat® Oven Roasted Manticore
100% lean manticore. 100% manticore, 100% delicious. Suitable with stuffing at any Fest or as a sandwich on a Thursday.


Our druid friends will be happy to hear that starting this Autumn Fest, we will be distributing Imitation Unicorn Meat®, made from 100% pure ground Fire Mare with Mermaid Scales. It really DOES taste like the real deal! Look for it soon!

Note:
Unicorn Meat® Incorporated follows safe kill practices. All Unicorn Meat® products are produced in accordance with the rules and regulations of the Interplane Agricultural and Livestock Commission. All manticores used in Unicorn Meat® products are guaranteed 100% neutral alignment and raised in captivity on the Edible Plane specifically for Unicorn Meat® Incorporated. All manticores are required to fail saving throws before slaughter by magical means. No wild manticores are harmed in this process. Our customers can rest assured that Unicorn Meat® Incorporated takes the protection of rare species on the Prime Material Plane extremely seriously.

Radiant Farms is but one distributor of Unicorn Meat® Incorporated products. Our unicorn, manticore, and harpy lines are sold throughout the Known and Forgotten Realms under multiple brand names, including Skanky Seraphim, Greyhawk Grub, Koa Tua Sweets, and Waterdeep Farms. How do you know you are sampling one of our delicious products? Simply look for producer code T33L3 stamped on the product's freshness seal.

But what if you bought your Unicorn Meat® product from a reseller? How do you know that your Unicorn Meat®, Unicorn Meat® Oven Roasted Manitcore, and Crusty Harpy® Baked Snaks are the real deal? Well, just ask your serving wench or innkeeper! We pride ourselves on being the best and ONLY supplier of these fine products. Anyone selling imitation Unicorn Meat® products are dealt with personally and harshly by our legal team of Baphomet & Orcus, LLP.

If you are displeased with any of our fine product lines, we will be happy to refund a pro-rated portion of your purchase price. Simply place any unused product back in its original packaging, stuff it in a portable hole or bag of holding, and deliver any unused product via abiding mule to the dread gazebo near the Castle of the Mad Archmage.